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The Eyes Don't Hide What the Lips Won't Say [entries|friends|calendar]
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SundayJuly8th2007 ]

[ mood | crushed ]

You know, for a person who has several blogs going, some private, some semi-private, and some very public (ie. this one), I really try to use descretion when I blog, without putting my whole business out there. You never know who's gonna read this crap and what they are gonna do with it. I will say this though, I was pretty much a trooper this past week and I only know this because it didn't kill, I got out of bed everyday (with the exception on thursday when I needed a little help), and I've realized that I am pretty damn strong. 

Monday night was hard. It finally cliqued that I needed to stop seeing #3.  I couldn't decide for the longest time if he was a good guy or a VERY good player.  I realized that it didn't matter, either way, I know I deserve so much better.  It really sucks because I was really starting to have feelings for him and I'm so attracted to him, but at the same time, I've held him at a distance from the beginning so the wound doesn't run too deep.  I just don't get him! He does some jerky things that hurt me, but then he always does something  to redeem himself, that catches me off guard. I just get it?! Are you a really good guy or a really good player?  In the end it doesn't matter, I refused to be paranoid about this, I really need to let it go.  

Tuesday and Wednesday...well what can I say, I saw CG for the first time in 6 months. Sure, we've kept in touch here and there, but this is the first time we've seen each other.  I was totally cool the whole time...we were cool with each other.  I was cool when he was all up another girl. I was cool when they were snuggled on a blanket watching the fireworks, I was even cool when he asked me "hey what do you think of  (insert nasty ass whore's name)  =)  Why would he ask ME?  I won't lie, it was hard..really hard, but I kept it together until the Jaeger. It wasn't even me, he's the one that started the shit and I said what I had to say.  No Regrets. Unfortunately, after he walked away I started bawling on B...I blame the effing Jaeger.

Thursday was hard. Friday was hard. Saturday was hard. It's Sunday and I still refuse to walk around with a smile on my face. Either way, I'm still a trooper!

LOVE ME

Despite all my rage, I still feel like a rat in a cage [

SundayJuly1st2007 ]

Whatever happened to our ever popular slogan, coined by Sarah Gib- 2007: It's Just Better?  I don't know about you but I lost myself this year...literally LOST myself.  Everyday is a struggle, and it's natural, that's how life is, right?  This was a different struggle. Everyday I woke up trying to make sense of who I was, what I stood for, and what I wanted.  It's July 1st, and I'm still trying to find me.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the life around you that you forget to breathe. I stopped breathing when my job suffocated me, I stopped breathing when I couldn't deal with my family, and I stopped breathing when he broke me. No one made me smile like he did...and then he broke me.  It's July 1st and I still feel a little broken.

I understand it's important to have a little perspective.  A year ago, I didn't like my job, but financially I'm in a better place than I was before. A year ago, my family still drove me crazy, but now there is a little more space between us. A year ago, I didn't smile they way he made me smile.  But it's July 1st and I feel like....I feel like....I don't ever want to give myself to anyone like I gave myself to him. It's July 1st and I'm mad that I'm more guarded than I ever was before (if that was even possible). It's July 1st and I'm mad that I'm mad about it.

Let's be honest, I could really care less about the date, but I was just so hopeful for this year. Obviously, in life there are going to be setbacks, but I did expect a little more for myself.  This whole year I've felt like a rat in a cage...trapped and running in circles.  I've become so familiar with this draining feeling, it's a part of me. But I refuse to make peace with it. It's just not me... I'm a go getta.

Maybe on July 2nd, I won't be so mad. Maybe I'll be a little more hopeful. Maybe......

LOVE ME

back again? [

FridayJune29th2007 ]

[ mood | calm ]

I unleased the LJ...aaaaannnnnddddd then I stopped updating. Figures. Not on purpose and not because I haven't been led to update, but mostly because I've been busy updating my other journal and trying to just figure things out in my life.  Honestly, everything is a little overwhelming right now. I'm starting my class next week and I'm a bit nervous about that. I'm glad I'm easing myself in with an online class, but I'm so new to it that I just really have no idea what I'm doing.  I'm about to go part-time with my job and I'm SUPER nervous about this. I am also super excited because I hate the job, but I don't really know how I'm going to adjust to less income. I've been used to this income for almost a year and not to mention, my expenses are going to go up when I start school. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!  I guess this means no more shopping for clothes whenever I want or buying lunch and coffee on a whim. Oh well, I lived the luxurious life when I could...and I say that lightly :)

The boy situation is as fuzzy as ever. I've finally moved on from CG, especially after I found out he's seeing other people. Good for him. I hope he finds someone who will make him happy. I can't spend my time (or lack of time) thinking about someone who doesn't want me in their life. Yeah, it makes me sad, but I'll be okay. Besides, his loss, right? Yeah that's what I thought! :)

#3 is cool. Actually I've gotten my ass kicked about him last week, which was much needed. It's true, I'll do whatever I want, I don't care who you are, but it's good to have an objective point of view slipped in by the few handful of friends I trust and respect. Sometimes I lose myself and I need someone who knows me inside and out to remind me who I am and what I'm worth.  My friends are amazing.

Alrighty, I'm going to return to watching tv because I took the day off and I actually feel like I have a clear head! LIFE!

LOVE ME

[

SaturdayJune2nd2007 ]

[ mood | curious ]

I think it's time to unleash this. 

LOVE ME

Are we happy plastic people?? [

MondayMay28th2007 ]

[ mood | hopeful ]

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay
**Casting Crowns**


Tears almost weld my eyes as they sang this song at church today.  I have been attending OG for three and a half years and I'm finally starting to *care*. I think the numbness is starting to wear off, but it may be too soon to say. I think I'm finally starting to also *not care*.  I may put up a good front or I don't, and this may be clear to everyone but me, but I can only be honest and be me. Truth be told, I'm broken and I'm putting the pieces back together...it's a slow process, but maybe it doesn't have to be this slow if I Iet Him help.

1 ♥ |LOVE ME

Another Day, Another Dollar [

WednesdayMay23rd2007 ]

[ mood | busy ]

Another day,  another dollar..... It's already Wednesday night and I don't know what I've done with my time. I know what I've done with it, This week, I've spent a majority of it, about  25 hrs on the phone talking to people in the bankruptcy process, I've spent 20 hours sleeping, and about 6 hrs at the gym. Where has the rest of my time gone? What do I do, aside from shower, clean, drive,  and obviously update the LJ?  Is this how I want to spend my life?  Truth be told, I'm completely exhausted and I'm okay with it. I'm not doing what I want to do, but I'm going to do it well, dammit.  I feel like after my week off, I gained some perspective. Maybe it was the week away to refresh myself. Maybe it's the therapy. Maybe it's #3 **formerly known as NCG**  (which by the way, our relationship or whatever the hell it is we have, has developed pretty well...or as much as we are letting it. It works for us beautifully-- for now).   I appreciate my job and I do it well. I appreciate my paycheck. I appreciate my benefits. I appreciate the people I work with. I know that anywhere I am in life, it will not be perfect. I will not have everything I want and I've come to realize this is a blessing in itself. I don't want a perfect life, I want something to work towards. I need a reason to wake up every morning.  

As much as I hate school. I don't mean hate, I mean LOATHE, I'm excited to go back and get a degree in a profession I'd be damn good at. As much as I'm scared to live on less income, I'm gonna make it happen. Why? Because I probably can.  As much as I hate change, this is a light at the end of the tunnel. As much as I hate homework, I will try my very darnest to do it.... hey can't win 'em all, right? 

1 ♥ |LOVE ME

Let Go [

MondayMay21st2007 ]

I finally made it out to Lansing to visit my BFF yesterday. I can't believe she's lived in Lansing for two years and this is the second time I've gone to see her. Where are my priorities? Well, I know where they are.... Life has just been a little too hectic since I've moved. It's been one thing after another and I just need to take some time out to breathe. BREATHE!!   It was great seeing her, considering our communication has basically gone down to talking once in two months maybe. What kind of friendship is that? I realized how much I miss her and I do have my moments when there isn't really anyone else Id like to talk to, but her.  Why do I take our friendship for granted? I know I'm going to miss her even more when she moves to Saginaw. 

I finally got to see Brian on Saturday too. It was nice seeing him after two weeks (not as bad as Shirley).  Brian is crazy! I think that's why I love him so much. He pretty much rocks my world! :)

LOVE ME

[

TuesdayMay15th2007 ]

[ mood | nervous ]

I hate that feeling where you want to tell someone something so bad, but you can't...because you're not "allowed" to talk to them. Seriously, does it have to come to this? 

I love that this person makes me laugh like no other.  I can hang on to this and hope I will meet someone like this someday

I hate the fact that I'm so used to people disappointing me, that it just feels *normal*

I appreciate that I'm so used to it that I am able to pick myself back up and move on for the umpteenth time. 

I hate that I am so numb

I love that I am so numb

I hate my job

I love that I'm good at it.

I hate trying new things

I love the feeling that you get when you realize you can do something you didn't think you could do (which is a lot of things for me)

I hate missing people

...... there really is no upside to this


more on this later...i have to try something new (i pretty much hate it right now, hopefully i'll love it later)  ;)

LOVE ME

Debbie Downer? [

MondayMay14th2007 ]

[ mood | content ]

I'm going to blog about happy things. I've noticed my previous blogs are pretty rant-y, and seriously , who likes to read about ranting all the time? Plus, nobody likes a downer. I swear, I'm not a downer :)

happy things...happy things....
* I made it from the *needs improvement* to the *exceeds expectations* range at work! I did this while texting and myspacing all day. I am THAT  good folks :)

* I start bag boxing tomorrow. I'm so excited to get my ass kicked, I can't wait!

* I just found  **the project** the girls made for me when I was having a crisis last year. I've been looking for it since I"ve moved!!

Okay seriously...I'm grasping here, lol. 

The point is....  well you get it :)

Good day!

LOVE ME

2007. It's not better. It sucks ass [

SundayMay13th2007 ]

[ mood | discontent ]

The girls and I were chillin for a bit tonight talking...reflecting for hours, on childhook quirks to how 2007 has been. First off, I just need to say, I can't believe Cheryl and Jen have never licked a 9 Volt battery. I'm sorry, but I am NOT weird for licking batteries. There, just had to get that off my chest. 

So, we were talking about 2007 in all it's glory ::note sarcasm:: and Jennifer, errr Lil Miss Sunshine, the ever so optomistic one, could not come up with anything positive this year. It's quite unfortunate, because we were so optomistic about this year. But hey, what hasn't killed me will only make me stronger, right?   

right?

2 ♥ s|LOVE ME

ok fine, i won't become a lesbian [

SaturdayMay12th2007 ]

[ mood | busy ]

**You know you're getting old when you stay home on the weekends and you don't mind.
**You know you're getting old when you're sober for the third weekend in a row (well we'll see, I'm going to RO tonight w/ Ricardo and who knows whats going down when we're together, although I made it through one weekend with Brian staying sober and that's saying A LOT)
**You know you're getting old when you just don't give a *bleep* about well...you know...

Yesterday, Jamila gave me her copy of He's Just Not That Into You.  I have conflicting feelings about this book-- I mean I think it's great that it just lays it out there, sometimes it IS black and white. If a guy is not into you, then he's not into you. But then again, IS everything black and white? And why isn't he into me? Is it me? Is it him? Is it us? It's him... lol  

I have a knack for picking these shitty emotionally unavailable guys who don't have time to have a relationship but will find time to *woo* me and then give up because they know I'm not going to give it up to them. I mean they aren't really shitty guys, but then they kind of are (I'm trying to be nice here)  And I take it back, I really don't pick them, they kind of just find me. I could seriously go through life and not give guys like these a second thought. They could use their lines and say shit to me all day long and it would go through one ear and out the other, but then we start to get to know each other on a deeper level, which is something I try to avoid in the first place, only because I see no point in it. Sounds harsh right? Can you blame me?  I swear I'll never be able to figure this one out.

The book is good though. It saves me a lot of time to make up excuses for people, when I genuinely try to give people the benefit of the doubt, only because I would hope someone would do the same for me. At this point though, I don't have time to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I've given too much in the past. I feel like I'm being selfish and I'm okay with that.

I feel like there was something else on my mind, but I have to wrap this up. Time to go to work.  As much as I wear myself out with all the things I make myself do, I'd rather be busy then bored.  I'm a grinder baby.

LOVE ME

Pick a side [

ThursdayMay10th2007 ]

[ mood | conflicted ]

I'm pretty conflicted (story of my life, right?) about whether or not I want to continue to see Doc. To be honest, I find him a little frustrating and I don't know exactly how he is helping. On the other hand, I'm frustrated because he makes me talk about things I don't like and it's not like things have gotten worse.... but then is that circumstantial? And what exactly are the circumstances? I don't know..... I'm not one to give up, so I guess I'll continue.... I'm sure I will go back and forth on this for a while...I'm so conflicted!

And while I'm ranting, I'll also say, I hate how I complain about how I never have time to do anything, but I always pile more on my plate, leaving me with less time! Granted these are all things I want to do, but I can't enjoy them when I feel like I'm losing my mind by stretching myself so thin. At some point I feel resentment when I feel like I'm neglecting the important people in my life.  At the same time, I feel like I lose my mind when I have nothing to do.  I am so conflicted!! I need to learn to relax. 

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I LOVE THE WEEKENDS!

LOVE ME

[

TuesdayMay8th2007 ]

[ mood | confused ]

My jobby job.....

I didn't realize what a toll it took on me until I took some time off-- away from the cubicle. Quite a difference I must say, like night and day. It's sad though because I miss the old me. I guess there is light at the end of the tunnel....I would be more optomistic about my future but the only thing holding me back is myself and my lack of confidence.  I have no reason to be this way, I have come a long way and have been pretty good at what Ive done in the past.  I really just need to get over it, really....

So.....I lied....mainly to myself (and Brian, only because he keeps reminding me).  There is chemisty. A lot of it too. Too bad I had to put the smackdown. We'll see how far this will go. The End.

LOVE ME

believe me when I say that I've got something for your punk ass [

WednesdayApril25th2007 ]

[ mood | weird ]

1. Vacation is half way done.

2. I finally got rid of all the dead flowers in my room. I'm wondering if all the dead flowers were an omen.  I'm hoping by getting rid of them, i will have better luck, because let's be honest, 2007 has sucked ass.

3. It's rainy outside and everyone is in a WEIRD mood today. To be honest, it's freaking me out!

4. Okay, lets talk about how much I don't have game. True story, I can be witty but I'm not smooth.  It's okay, I've come to terms with this. I just don't get game, even at 25. And sadly, everyone needs some level of game because in this day and age, with one false move, you're in the penalty box.  I figure either I a) care or b) don't care. Either way I'll do what I want, which means mostly not following the rules. Rules are meant to be broken, right?

WRONG.

With CG, I had no game. Maybe things would have been a little different. No, things would definitely have been different.  Really though, things went perfectly because it was all a beautiful lie. 

With CG 2 (We call him Comparison Guy, because he's the guy I compare all my other guys to. He's been around for awhile, but we don't talk about him too much. He's a great guy and my friends even like him, just not for me), I didn't have any game at all. There really wasn't any room for game here due to circumstances, but with him, I was basically a wreck.  In the end, it came down to one thing-- I loved him, but I love me more. Not enough game would help with him.

With NCG, I have no game at all.  It's werid though, because everything happened so fast, that I just don't have enough time to work out any type of game in my head. Truth be told, I'm just not really into it. I just don't care, I'll just lay it out there. If I feel like I don't want to see you because I don't want to like your or think about you, then I'll tell you. Apparently, I'm not supposed to do that.  There I go breaking rules again.

Why do I stick to the "rules" with everyone else in the "fan club"? Obviously, because I don't care. I guess it comes with the whole "I'm all or nothing". It's who I am and that's basically why I've stopped fighting it.  

5. I've spent all day with my sister. She's a riot. I've missed her dearly. Darn my cubicle job!!

1 ♥ |LOVE ME

Kill Me Now [

MondayApril23rd2007 ]

[ mood | sick ]

I'm on vacation this week....aaaannd I think I'm getting sick. I'm actually pretty sure I'm sick. This just means that I now have to kill whoever made me sick.

LOVE ME

Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days [

SundayApril22nd2007 ]

[ mood | hopeful ]

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

I wish everyone was loved tonight
And somehow stop this endless fight
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days


** Better Days**
Goo Goo Dolls



I'm a little frustrated with music right now, I feel like I just can't find the right song(s) to fit my mood.

2 ♥ s|LOVE ME

[

TuesdayOctober4th2005 ]

i think i may retire this soon....?
LOVE ME

Sweet Autumn Misery [

SundaySeptember18th2005 ]

[ mood | overwhelmed ]

Part of me can't wait to get back to work on Monday just so I can have some sort of normalcy in my life.

LOVE ME

[

MondaySeptember12th2005 ]

[ mood | indescribable ]

Was my weekend good? Heck yes.

Friday- Dinner and Bowling in Royal Oak. I think everytime Cheryl, Jen, and I go out we have to hit up a Coney's or it just wouldn't be going out at all. If there is one place to indulge, that would be it. Then off bowling. It was my first time bowling in five years! I wasn't too bad for not bowling in half a decade. I would tell you my high score, but you would laugh, so I'll just keep it to myself. Bowling was so much fun, maybe that will be my new passion. Ha. I finally got to hang out with Tracie since her birthday in February! Oh how much I have missed her.

Saturday- Worked out then studied for a bit. Went to a bbq in Rochester with Megan. It was a lot of fun! I got my 80's music fix from Michelle's ipod. Let me just tell you, I'm on this 80's kick where I just want to crimp my hair, wear off the shoulder shirts, and listen to Cindi Lauper, Def Leppard, and ACDC. Oh man. Then we watched Brandon and Michelle's wedding video, so it was like I was actually there at the wedding. I can only hope to have a dance circle like they did, with people doing the robot and what not. Oh, and then four great hours were spent playing @$$hole, the most interesting drinking game I've played. I was basically @$$hole with a handicap because I had to drive. I was okay with that :P Yep, didn't get home till 3 am.

Sunday- What better way to end the weekend than with some shopping. :) Had a work mtg and was given new dress code guidelines. Heck yes! More of an excuse to go shopping. I'm a freak. Oh, I almost went to see a movie by myself, but I accidentally took at 3 hour nap. Ooops.

LOVE ME

:( [

TuesdaySeptember6th2005 ]

[ mood | sad ]

One could probably fill a city with all the tears shed over this tragedy of Hurricane Katrina. I can't help but cry over the events that have occured over the past week. I'm torn with feelings of anger towards the government and their lack of promptness in rescuing the people of New Orleans, and the sadness I have for families that have been ripped apart from the elderly, children, and pets that have been left behind. I could never imagine feeling forsaken and left for dead. These survivors are strong people, stronger than I could ever hope to be. I think about what I would be like in a crisis situation such as this and sadly, I know I would be a basketcase. My heart especially breaks for the poor and elderly that had no means to evacuate. I have a new found respect for the elderly that have been blatently disregarded in this situation. Whatever happened to respecting your elders? It has affected me so much, I may be considering pursuing a career in geriatrics. We'll see. If anything, I have been even more motivated to further my education so I have the means and knowledge to help others. I can't fathom what mental stress the survivors are under. Again, I could only hope to be as strong as these people have been. We hear too much about the looters and the criminals, no one ever talks about the people that have stayed positive and hopeful through their journey. I think I'm at the point where I'm tired of everyone shifting blame over whose responsibility it was to rescue the people of New Orleans. It is important to find out where it went wrong in order to make sure that this never happens again, but I think the most important thing to do is focus on saving and supporting the survivors. I am pretty confident that if you were to try to find who dropped the ball in this situation, you could find it up and down the ladder. People need to stop blaming each other, take responsibility, and move on, perhaps go above and beyond the call of duty. I must say though, I do find comfort in knowing that Americans are very generous, especially in a crisis such as this. Personally, I couldn't sit back, listen and watch everything that was going on, and not make some sort of contribution. Of course, my first instinct was to fly down to Louisiana to lend a hand, but knowing me, that could possibly cause more harm than good. So, I just donated money. In addition, I think it's important to remember that a month from now these survivors will still not have homes, clothes, or their loved ones, basically their lives. We should constantly keep them in our thoughts and prayers, and hopefully find a way to give back to them. Let's not be lackadasical as we have been in the past, where a crisis situation brings us perspective, such as a blackout or a tsunami, but constantly give thanks for what we have (and remember that what we have is not ours but Gods). I think about all my material posessions, all my clothes, cds, and electronics. How could I not give?? Of course, I'm not saying we should rid ourselves of our material posessions but let it remind ourselves that we are blessed and have far more than others. There is always SOMETHING we can do. Atleast PRAY.

Okay, on a not so different note, having said that all, I can't decide what to do with my money from my next check. I wanted to start a savings account, but that's not going to happen. I just can't decide whether I should finally replace my breaks on Jimmy (he needed some new ones since April) or donate to the Humane Society Katrina Relief. Hmmmm....Oh, Jimmy is my car, for those of you who don't know, but then everyone knows Jimmy is my car and if you don't know then you are a freak stalker and probably should not be reading my LJ. Having said that, say a prayer tonight, its the least we can do.

LOVE ME

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